I have been taking time off from blogging to do some soul searching and I am so grateful that I did. Life has thrown us some curveballs the past…well…few years. From a child with a speech delay and sensory issues to a miscarriage to a surprise pregnancy to now a child with ADHD, ASD, Sensory issues and anxiety. To say I have been SHOOK is the understatement of the century. My life revolves around my boys. I love being their mom and it has taken me a long time to be content with exactly where I am.
Being a stay-at-home mom has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It is a mental shift that, even though I chose it, I could not fathom how my life would forever change.
In the beginning, you think, “What could be so hard?! I’m home! I never have to change into clothes if I don’t want to. I can sleep when the baby sleeps and everything will be fine!!”
Let me say it loud for the people in the back.
I. Was. So. Wrong!!!
Staying home changes the way I looked at myself for a long time. It changed the way I spoke to myself and it changed the way that I viewed other people. I had days where I resented my husband because he was able to leave and have interactions with adults. I put pressure on myself to have the laundry and dishes done along with the house being picked up. I had very little self confidence as postpartum depression sank in with the 3 boys and once when we miscarried. I did everything to avoid most interactions as much as I envied those who were able to have them. My depression and anxiety grew and I was a mess.
A few months ago, I sat down with a friend who I had not seen in a while and she saw me. Really saw me and I burst into tears and told her how I was struggling. I was sad. I snapped at the boys for being 6 and 4 year olds. I cried every day. Every. Day. I was pushing away all the people who mean so much to me because it was easier than letting them see that I was in pain and on the biggest struggle bus I have been on in years.
As much as I wanted to dig in my heels and keep up this pity party, things had to change. For my marriage and oh, so patient, wonderful, supportive husband. For my beautiful, smart, caring, sassy boys so they can know a mom who jumps out of bed every day, happy and whole.
As much as it made me uncomfortable, and I hated the thought, I went to the dr. (more on this later) He had me fill out a depression and anxiety questionnaire where I had to rate my feelings in certain situations from 1-5. When the young doc came back into the room and read my paper, all he could say was, “well, you definitely have some depression and a lot of anxiety!” Thanks, Doc! No surprise there but in true Meghan fashion, I burst into tears and vomited out so many things that were on my mind to which he very carefully told me that I would benefit from a medication to help even out my emotions.
I was nervous to go onto a medication. I didn’t want to be numb. I didn’t want to feel blah and indifferent. Wouldn’t you know, this antidepressant makes me a better mom and wife! I am calm and even tempered, I am able to NOT erupt like Mt. St. Helens in 1980. My boys have actually commented that they like me much better now that I don’t yell and get angry all the time.
I went back to the dr a couple days ago and filled out the same questionnaire and my symptoms have VASTLY improved. I was able to get through the entire appointment without crying which is a huge deal for me!!
I work out almost every day. I started doing things for myself! I started a new business selling (and using) Arbonne products that specialize in helping people live healthier and happier lives. I take time to enjoy the little things where my anxiety would steal them from me before. I am down 17 lbs and counting while on my journey to physically fit and healthy. My family is healthier and happier and I wouldn’t change a thing!